Ergonomic Ego

A chance remark by a friend popped open a can of thoughts.

Ego is inevitable, and ego is healthy in an idealistic world - which we are far from living in. But then the lines are so fine, almost invisible we never realize when we over step them time and time again.
There are some clear demarcations, some people I wouldn't hold back my ego with, for a number of reasons – they have enough of their own, the nature of association requires it, maybe even demand it, etc etc. This group is not the one I am rather worried about . . .

The ones that need careful trudging are the ones closer to the heart. Ouch aren't they always the tricky ones! When do I let ego rear its head, if at all. Should I let it lead me on for awhile, how far, with who, and not with whom, such that it does not kill me.
There arent any pre-defined parametes I can take in account, no templates, no precedents help. Every time is a new churning, and hell new learning.

And they say day-to-day life is monotonous. More that enough tugs of war to handle on a boring monday too . . . .

Sea of the Shore

I don’t want to talk about boring things like patience and compromise – we all see more that enough of it in our daily days, and pay heavily when it falls short of its expected measures (which is 9 out of 10 times).

When you are stuck in a storm, how you respond then, is that your true nature? Or is that a time that brings out the worst of you. Or the best?

We all have our eccentricities, and what if perfectly normal you me is completely unnatural for you. How do we strike a balance, how do we fit the different pieces together, day after day and year after year. I guess that’s called living it up and surviving it out.

I wish I was a little different, a little more patient, a little more mature and all that. But then if I am wishing I de just wish for the stars . . . . :)

Have a great weekend.

Sleep Sense

Back in the days it used to be - close your eyes and go to sleep.
These days it is more like - close your laptop and go to sleep.

Wonder what the lullaby(s) and bed time stories will be like in days to come....

Signs

I do want to believe in them, but often I ve been rather dumb or ignorant to recognize or understand them. So the gods up there decided to really simplify it for me . . . .

That's what uncle moon looked like on Dec 1st, 08. Pic is taken from my Canon PowerShot SD770 - by a self proclaimed "jack of all trades".

Am not sure if they were planets or airplanes, but they were positioned at such perfect(ish) angles, without moving, and even the moon chose to wane (or was it waxing) in a certain fashion and direction . . . . . so as to make it all come together beautifully.

Smile – it seemed to say. SMILE, we all needed it. Smile, helped me get through.

Thanks, you guys/gals up there :)

P.S. They were planets after all - epaper reports.

A Chance Encounter

I wrote this passage more than three years ago!!! Unbelievable.

Today when I chanced upon it, it amazed me, as if it was someone else who wrote that. First of all coz I could not believe it to be so beautifully written, I don't consider myself a very expressive writer. And secondly coz I haven't been expressing much lately.

Keep it all inside is not a good thing, and even though I try not to bottle things up, a lot of it goes unsaid and undone - coz of reasons which will not be there forever, but are beyond my control right now.

When I read the aforementioned passage (to follow below) my first thought were maybe this is how my mom had felt when she read my first poem way back in school, actually it was more of a small verse really, that I wrote on a mother's day card I had hand painted.

When I read this passage, I couldn't believe that my little girl - me - had so many emotions in her, and that she could put it in words so wonderfully.

And that she has come a long way since.

Anyway, here's how it goes . . . . .

10/July/2005 12:15 PM

It is not great to live life alone, without someone to walk beside all the way. It feels like a walk in the mystery word, with sprinkles of moonlight and patches of lush growth that block out that moonlight.

People join at twists and turns, and then leave at next ones. Sometimes they share a walk in the moonlight, sometimes they help ease a scary patch.

Yet I live in uncertainty.

What will be next? Which turn? Who will I meet? Will I meet anybody at all? When will this by-walker, take a by-lane and disappear. And I wont even have the powers to stop them?

Not because they wont stop, but because that is not what my heart would urge me to do. Coz no matter who they are, they are not the one I seek to walk with the way through.

They are moonlight, they aren't the sunshine.

Starshine

Stars can only show you the way so far . . . . eventually its you who has to walk it through.

Often there come times in life when you wish things would just roll and you wouldn't have to do anything, say anything or take a stand - when you know the only thing that will make a difference if your own action only.

Don't give to much power to the road there, what matters is, how you walk it.

Sometimes I act, sometimes I sit through those times - and miserable so, sometimes I pray for a miracle, and to be honest I get some too. Over the last year or so, life has been an interesting series of trials and redemptions. And I ve grown up a little . . . . pretty subtly though.

For one I believe, I ve learnt some thing about patience, used to be one of my weaker subjects. And lately I ve been working on forgiveness - its so much harder, but I ll get a hang of it.

Love, patience, trust, forgiveness - I don't need them to deal with the whole wide world, instead I need them to deal with my own heart, and those closest to it.

Heart of the Matter

"You can also talk to me about your problems."

"What if you are the problem?"

"Even then. Before everything else we were friends once. Weren't we?"

"Yes we were."

"So I am still there for u - as a friend."




No matter how much water passes over, some things stay. . . . and thank god for that.

Miracles Today

Kids believe in miracles . . . . and that is why they do find miracles around them.

But as these kids grow up, they stop finding miracles around them, sometimes because they stop believing in them, but more often because they are so busy looking for "the" miracle that they wished for in their lives, they stop noticing the other subtler and often more beautiful ones happening all around . . . . all the time.

Trends of the Season

Quite a few of them live their lives like that - enveloped in layers of facades, never showing or sharing their true feeling with their friends and close ones. Convenient I say, and more so for the people they deal with. I may know what you are, but since you deny it yourself, I ve much less burden to stay here and put up with that side of you.

Great arrangement for a sunny day. But I just know from well living a few years of life, that sun doesn't shine too long ever, without scorching, nor can rain be kept at bay forever. Maybe my express-all way of life is not highly rated, I want to see what will happen to your hide-all (or highly compartmentalised) facade, when the clouds come out. Will you rise up to the occasion, or will those friends of yours summon courage enough to let know when enough is enough.

Pretences of a lifetime are not easily broken, so even if I do live in a more uncomfortable world of bare truth and somewhat brutal honesty, I know when I need them my friends will be there in all sincerity and strength, because I have not created walls and blocked out people, I believe in opinions of those who wish me well and welcome it, in fact seek it when I know I need it.

Because they are just not just fair weather friends.

What difference will a title make?

Delays are built into the journey, yet the nature of traveler is but to trudge on.
And with every delay the impatience to get to the destination increases, and so do the blunders one makes and created new delays in the process.

Somebody mentioned a Catch 22 situation !

Btw moi recently back from a vacation, and the hangover doesn't seem to get over. I ve never been homesick, am just sick of some situations. And the more I hate them, the more they persist.

Catch bloody 22.

I ve become very sarcastic lately, and tune out more often than I though myself capable of. And cant expect things to turn back to normal, till I turn back to normal, which wont happen till I am in a normal place amidst normal thing.

Catch 22.

I keep my Faith, and I believe in my God, but I don't understand why do those things have to be tested? Why did u put it in my head, if you had to drive me to a point where I would worry about stop believing in it?

Over and out.

Love in the times of Movies

Movies and the movie going experience - they are an important aspect of our lives, and a very important aspect of lives when you are dating, more so in the early days of the relationship, but nevertheless there all the time.

Thanks to all the multiplexes, it's a much improved experience. And you will notice the difference only when you revisit a non-multiplex after a long time and realise that no matter what you do, half the front screen will definitely be covered by the head of the person sitting right in front of you.

In such situations it definitely does not help that the movie is a little boring, very confusing and never ending. It might help though that its mushy romantic, and you can lean over to that special someone's side on the pretext of getting a better view, even if at the end of three and a half hours, you have a slight back-ache. Oh! The prices we pay for love!!!

All that is still fine - what is really wicked is that when you are on the "date-movie" you will always end up running into people you know, and more often than not they will end up occupying the seats right next to you. You will run into friends, family friends, colleagues, relatives, distant relatives - all of who will magically conjure right next to you. And don't even get me started of what percentage of the total population in the audience for that particular show for that particular movie will seem or BE familiar to you.

If you have not had that you ve been an absolute aberration from the norm I tell you - so you are either exceptionally blessed or really cursed; but the statistical studies have proven that more than ninety percent of the times - when you want to go unseen and unheard, you will be spotted by people you know, and talked about and maybe even questioned about at a later date.

Oh yeah, and for all you well-connected-via-cell phone people: remember your mom, dad, granddad, great grandmother and all the likes, will definitely call you in the middle of that one movies, and even if they don't generally ask you , NOW this one question will surely come - 'Who are you with?'

So either make sure you call all your relatives before the movie, or have a very convincing blatant lie ready at all times. And gals, there is a hell of a higher probability of it afflicting you than your guys. Yeah Mr.Murphy also discriminates against the fairer sex.

It all sounds funny and makes a great blog post at a later date - but it's one hell of an experience to go through. And even though this post has been inspired by a friend's recent sojourn in the aforementioned tricky territory . . . . . . am sure all you readers will agree that each of the incidents mentioned are quite inspired by the real life, and any resemblance to any person alive and kicking is so damn intentional.

Buoyancy

Am an incorrigible optimist . . . . no matter how thick the clouds, the sun just penetrates through somehow. No life turning event, no new delivery of a silver lining . . . . . but my stupid heart refuses to drown itself in gloom.

Like a big red balloon (heart shaped of course) filled with air, that you may try to submerge in the tub of water. It just refuses to go under and stay there . . . .
I feel silly, as if drunk on air . . . . . I was smiling so wild at work today over nothing, that I thought it best to pack my bags and run home before some poor lonely soul gets an impression that I fancy them, and make a sincerely pathetic effort to come over and flirt. Gosh !!! I even smiled at that arch jackass I only save my glummest face for.

It's inexplicable (and a bit scary too), as if somebody gave me an extra shot of red bull, when I was already high on caffeine and a bright morning after full night's rest.Is this what they call a Miracle - the miracle of human nature. The will that just won’t go away, no matter how much I will !!

So if The Will has a Free Will of its own . . . . what am I ? It's guinea pig?

And that too is a mouse !!

What a crazy upsidedown day!

Not so merry go-around

I have lost the will to write . . . .
I guess its time for a summer vacation. Too much monotony has set in, too many circles, interconnected, and never ending. Too many people, too many connections, too many opinions, too many arguments . . .

Flow of thoughts comes when thoughts are allowed to flow freely . . . . I on the other hand feel stranded. Tied up. Too tied up.
And whom do I look to for help; everybody is looking at somebody else.

I only look up.
Cosmic games - I don't trust mortals with it anymore.

Sunday Sentiments

My Mom and I have a ritual of sorts . . . . . (almost) every Sunday she reads out the quotations printed in her TOI (Times of India) to me, and we compare the differences between the Delhi and Bangalore editions of the same newspaper . . . .

Well one reason for that is she is an avid reader and likes to share, and even when I am not so interested in hearing, it always is worth the while. And the other most important reason is that she gets up before me on ALL Sundays.

Sometimes though, I too get up in time, and have the TOI with me, and that's when we read it out aloud to each other. (Didn't I mention over the phone!!)

It is a very cute part of my day, I feel so connected to her, sharing the same things, just the way we used to when I was staying home, and reading out pieces animatedly that we know would interest the other person. Then there are things that we miss out on being reading different editions, and that's when we fill each other up on it. No prizes for guessing that she always has more to share, me being lazy and sometimes just skimming through the newspaper.

Back home too, when she wanted me to take special notice of an article or some lines, she would put a small note on it or underline some lines. She likes to say it's a habit, but I know it's also a smart and subtle way of telling me that "You better not miss out on this".

And like I said some days, the advertisements eat up space in my paper, and that's when she ensures that I do not miss out on anything that I should not miss out on . . . . Often telling me just the things that I need to hear.

This is from today's Delhi edition
If you ever want to see a rainbow you have got to stand a little rain.
- Chad Phillip

Love you Maa, dunno what I would have done without you.

Afterthought

Google Reader has killed the comment culture . . . for me at least. I always found it difficult to comment, because one does not always have something to say. Sometimes I just listen, and let it be . . . . flow by, or seep in . . . . .but words are not always necessary.

But then reader is necessary too . . . . there are so many blogs to read, and keep track of. It has made life a lot easier, every morning I know which of my fav ppl have put out new stuff to read. I can prioritize and read, never forget a url, never miss a post from those i do not want to . . .

Oh wht the hell, it suits me . . . . even if gets a lil quite around here. I am not too talkative anyways (stop raising those eyebrows), I just let things be. And sometimes it is necessary to stay silent - lest I blurt something out ;)

Get Rich or Die Trying

If I sit and start counting the things in life that are "not fair" it can take me more than a night . . .
Yet, the reasons I know I would not do such a wasteful exercise are - firstly I know enlisting them will not get me an inch closer to setting them right; in fact nothing ever will. Its only a time's play. Secondly, I know all of it will cease to matter when I find that one key, combination, catalyst that will set it all right.

Yes, I am incorrigible in my beliefs that it can be and will be set right. And if I am wrong, maybe I am on the road that will teach me otherwise, and then it wont matter as well, coz I ll not expect it to be all right.
Life does not give you a choice sometimes, and at other times its choice are ones you would never choose; like I de not quit . . . just yet.

Faith

This may not be the most original or thoughts, but it is for those who need it, like I - coz in life we do not go around discovering new things every day. Sometimes we just need to re-discover or re-visit that we once or always believed in, yet have forgotten to dust off lately . . .

I ve always believed in "The Alchemist". There are a lot of ppl out there who de call it cheesy or breezy or something of the sort. They can stop reading at this point . . .

"What you still need to now is this: before a dream is realised, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realising our dreams, master the lessons we've learned, as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which as we say, in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon'.

Every search begins with beginner's luck. And every search ends with the victor's being severely tested.

The boy remembered an old proverb from his country. It said that the darkest hour of the night came just before the dawn."

Believe it or not, world is not evil. Life will throw challenges every now and then, but then those r the experiences that make us who we are. Often we look back and are proud of the way we did things, without realizing that today maybe another such day, where you need to take a stand, mark a milestone in your own life, do something you will look back on with pride tomorrow.

And that's also the beauty of it.

What has happened to the virtual world?

My reader feeds are empty . . . messengers are quite, orkut is dead, and facebook is hardly picking up . . .

Even the official mail seems to have hit a roadblock!
And have they stopped sending those things called forwards?
News items are stale . . . . dollar’s been falling, sensex has been rising . . .

What has everybody got so busy with?

God Said

Not a day of peace. . . and that's what's in store for you in this life, my dear.
.
.
.

And I am living it out.
But I wonder, why did He add "my dear" at the end?

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

As you grow up, and learn, see and live more of life, you begin to appreciate and identify more with the FRIENDS !!!

Oh, cut the crap, it is maybe just a fixation, a phase everybody has to go through at least once in a lifetime, when all you waana do is watch FRIENDS.

And weekends certainly help that cause.

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If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans. WOODY ALLEN

....found that in the month's edition of Reader's.