Picking up the Pieces

They are generations apart, and by the traditional hindu family laws shouldn't even sit in the same room, let alone next to each other and have a real talk; yet the many times when I ve seen them so engrossed in their conversations, I ve wondered how come they have so much to share. But that is the very beauty of their relation : my mom and my grandfather's.

She is the eldest bahu, educated, social, its just impossible not to be affected by her lively, social (sometimes too social - only a daughter can dare to say that and live to see teh next day) and vivacious ways.

He is very simple, shy, most accommodating, yet most knowledgeable and intellectually progressed person in his generation, and many generations after his. Guess being a scholar of the Bhagwat Gita has its own advantages.

I have always admired the lovely bond they have shared, and I had hoped that someday I will have something similarly beautiful with my father-in-law. And it was not difficult to imagine that because he too was a very lively person, easy to talk to and someone who can make you confortabe in conversation in matter of minutes.

Sure there was the initial ice to be broken, confidence to be earned, traditions to be changed, new ways to be made. It all needed time, patience, experiences, events . . . . . . and so much more. But guess I am not as lucky as my mom has been. He left me a bit too early - and among the many dreams/ plans that he left unfinished, this was one little one I had had just for the two of us.


P.S. My husband directed me to this particular piece on one of those days when i was rather lost..... (youtube forbids embedding, damn!)

Hope to survive

Every time i am happy, or content, or settled, i try to record, capture, and remember it for as long as i can. I also try to live every moment of it as much as possible. Coz i ve learnt - the hard way - in life ALWAYS happiness and stability is most fickle of things.

I had just begun to settle down when i wrote the last post, and then within a matter od days the most unsettling face of life unraveled for my entire family....

The turn it has taken will haunt us for the rest of our lives....but what choice do we have now, but to live every day of pain, grief and uncertainty.

I know i ll be back, and re-create almost from the scratch (coz i had just scratched teh surface before), and i ll be much grown up and wiser hopefully hence also more melancholy, but till then, pray for me and all my loved ones - its teh toughest of times.

Ergonomic Ego

A chance remark by a friend popped open a can of thoughts.

Ego is inevitable, and ego is healthy in an idealistic world - which we are far from living in. But then the lines are so fine, almost invisible we never realize when we over step them time and time again.
There are some clear demarcations, some people I wouldn't hold back my ego with, for a number of reasons – they have enough of their own, the nature of association requires it, maybe even demand it, etc etc. This group is not the one I am rather worried about . . .

The ones that need careful trudging are the ones closer to the heart. Ouch aren't they always the tricky ones! When do I let ego rear its head, if at all. Should I let it lead me on for awhile, how far, with who, and not with whom, such that it does not kill me.
There arent any pre-defined parametes I can take in account, no templates, no precedents help. Every time is a new churning, and hell new learning.

And they say day-to-day life is monotonous. More that enough tugs of war to handle on a boring monday too . . . .

Notes on Posts

Being too quite is as much a reason to get suspicious as is being too talkative.
This blog's been very quite, was jus wondering :)

Lately my posts have sound more like notes than full blown posts. Sigh.

There's a chill in the air - and it is not just the weather.

Only yesterday I was telling a very dear friend the story of the Birbal Ki Khichadi.
Hope the faint beam of that distant lamp will help me too pass the night in cold waters.

Home Run

In bed with my socks on, and the warm blanket. All that's missing is a mug of hot chocolate, and bedtime stories.
Ah why can’t I be a kid again !!



And, I am going home . . . . . . yes, AGAIN.

Goblins of my dream

Have you watched Constantine ?

Imagine you are the in the place of Kenau Reeves/Rachel Weisz as per your like or dislike, without the superpowers bestowed in lieu of being the protagonist (or a major hollywood star) and having to live through ordeal similar to the storyline of the movie.

That's what i lived through for over 2 hours (almost the runtime of the movie) of broken and disturbed sleep - haunted sleep if i may say.
I woke up at various junctures to realize its just a dream after all, and tried to fall back asleep coz i was so tired, but it was if the movie paused and replayed from where i left it (gosh, and i dont even have a tata sky plus subscription). Tried all i could in that state of inhibited consciousness and excessive sleepiness, i couldn't seem to shake off the goblins crawling all over the place.

And no there wasn't a sexy and all powerful Keanu Reeves to get me out of my sleepy hell. (Which would have completely turned it around of being a nightmare in the first place)

Hidden meanings and interpretations there . . . . well could be.
But on the more obvious side, it had been a bad start of the day with a lingering eeriness all throughout. . . .

Food Sense

Am not all that much of a perfectionist, but some thing i like done my way only . . . for me to like it.
For example my one cuppa tea is very important.

Not sayin other's dont get it right, but not the way i want it.
The only person who has ever come closed to meeting my crazy parameters ever is my sis - she's the only one who patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) bears my endless and not always very precise instructions on salt, sugar, oil, heat, slice, dice . . . . and so on.
God bless her for that coz am quite a lazy bum, and lazier still when she is around to pamper me with food!

She has already more than perfected my mayonnaise veg sandwich and pancakes.

And lately my scrambled egg noodles, and tomato cheese omelette - which i am sure i have the command over till i cook it once for my sis! Not only will she perfect the recipe, but also improvise on it further to make it even more delicious.

Sis, you are my only perfect copy, and even better.

Living, Loving and Making Memories

I am not writing - I am living. It is so full and fulfilling right now, I don't have anything to crib about :P

This blog is definitely not a complaint box, but right now I am not in the thinking mode. This happens to me often in other contexts as well too.

There are times when I am visiting new places . . . . . am so busy seeing and observing everything, I don't have time to stop and take pictures, or pose for them. I need to have an unobstructed vision, and even the lenses of a camera seems to spoil it for me.

How do u make memories some ask, well it's all in my head I say. Its so full of experiences, and memories and every small little detail . . . . . could fill hard disks after hard disks with all that information. But I do not want to keep it on external storage, they start collecting dust there.

I just keep it on a forever moving sideshow mode, images after images, details after details, experience after experience . . . . at my command in an instant.

What will I do years down the line, when spaces in life become much more crowded and demands on time way higher . . . . . oh well that will be another day !!

Anyway I am not the one who plans so far ahead :)

Lost in Translation

Thoughts float around in my head . . . . . . all the time. And there are times when some do feel like threads interesting enough to develop, and write about. And then suddenly something sweeps it out so completely, that I can't even remotely recall what was it i was planning to write about. Like just now.

I wouldn't call it a writer's block, its more of a scattered brain syndrome. In the process here are some of the things I missed doing on this blog this month . . .

- write a post wishing a very dear friend Happy Birthday . . . . . coz that person is so special.

- wish all my friends a very Happy Friendship Day. . . . . ve made so many friends for life through this blog.

- write accolades of the play "Love Letters" and it's actors Rajit Kapoor and Shehnaz Patel for their amazing performance.

- write the customary happy budday post . . . . . with an irresistible picture of cake.

- attempt a travelogue of my recent Hong Kong trip, which was awesome and a very proud achievement.

- rant in general about life, food, love, desserts, friends, work, god, life, books, facebook, cars, stars and life mostly.


It's not been boring nor it's been hectic. . . . . . been a lot of feeling, mayb too much to put down in words lately.

P.S. only solace - i ve been writing a lot of emails though, and some of u will agree to that :P

Conflict of Interest

I prepare myself for the worst . . . yet hope otherwise.

Self-Doubt

That’s what the Heart does…

It sets Itself on something,
Then makes me ache for it.
Lose sleep ‘n sanity over It’s whims
And travel the world in search.

When I’m about to get there
After bracing all odd of odds
It turns and sits and wonders
Drowning Itself in doubt
Flooding me with wrath.

It expects me to have answers
A thing I thought, (and they told me) –
It was meant to do for me.
“This is what I think I want,
But are you sure about it?”
If only I knew, or could find out somehow,
But there wont be a way easy...

Such times I only wish, and desperately so,
To rip It out and throw for once away.

Notes from outer space

Okie . . . so the reason I ve not been blogging is that, currently I am on a long inter-galactic travel schedule, and I don't find much leisure time to sit and ponder, and write my thoughts down.

First of all its difficult to keep track of sleeping and waking hours, coz for all of u who haven't done this yet, let me tell you there is only dark black expanse all around, so matter what part of my light year day I wake up in, it is only a night time scenario here.

And, I 'll save u the effort of imagining any beauty, coz lemme tell u it is not at all beautiful or friendly, as it seems from our planet earth.

Those starts that twinkle so harmlessly on a clear sky day, are the pretty scary from a up close, ready to scorch all life out of me least I leave caution out for a moment. Those are the times I wonder why did I come chasing them in the first place. From back home they were dreams worth a quest - but in reality they are only big blobs of roaring fire.

And as if that wasn't enough, there are loads of asteroid pieces flying afloat everywhere, that I've to keep dodging off all the while just to stay alive.

So u see, its not as cozy or scenic as I had imagines, and the moments that take my breath away are only the ones when a stray piece of asteroid threatens to ram into my little space ship.
I ll put up more updates, when I get back to home earth. Right now if I pay too much attention adding onto this post, I may not survive to tell the tale.

Digression

Just letting off some steam….read at ur own risk.

What I hate the most is - people, RANDOM PEOPLE, thinking they are all important, give me lectures, so much lecture, oh the good the bad the right and the wrong . . . . I recently had such an escapade with a close family friend, who almost brought me to tears, made me feel so guilty -as if by just not getting married I am committing such a huge crime against my parents and the whole humanity!

I wish I could just scream out aloud and shut all these people out.

And when I say random I mean so f****** random, people who have never cared to say a "hi" before, or enquired if I am alive or dead, come around expressing their love for me, their concern for my family and ideas and opinions on getting me married.

I can deal with it on my level mostly, I am fine, but I feel genuinely bad for my parents, who have to hear this many times every hour . . . . . . and I so don't know what to then at times. And it is not just I, so many women I know and their parent are similarly harassed by such unsolicited advisors - I de call them devils in disguise!!!

And with the wedding season drawing close, more family gatherings on the cards, it is just gonna get worse. I so hate this emotional blackmailing . . . . .

Get a life folks, and let me have one too.


P.S. I ll try not to post such rants in future, but cant promise anything.

It’s Raining Men

Indeed the weeding season is catching up . . . . people are getting married, people are attending marriages, people are contemplating marriages and people are planning their own, friends', relatives' weddings and everybody is talking about it.
(including abhi and eM, and I haven't yet read through my entire feed list)

This weekend I too flew to Delhi, for a quick catch up on all the hungama, as my best friend got engaged to the love of her life, and is all set to tie the knot soon, and settle down in happy matrimony!
Sounds quite rosy, but when I went around checking her to-do and shopping lists I wasn't thinking like this at all. In fact all the first two days I wondering why the hell is she investing so much of time and effort on planning and coordinating and detailing an engagement ceremony, why is she running behind the event managers, the florists, the caterers, and just about anybody she could find and give instructions and more instructions.
(Btw, this bride in question, is super creative and has done so many of her friends' and cousins' weddings before that she is an expected at planning and organizing and was expectedly overflowing with ideas for her own).

I, meanwhile, was wondering all the while - is one person really worth all that much anxiety and chaos, care and affection. Is marriage ever "happily ever after", will they not fight or disappoint each other any more, wil these little devils suddenly transform into angels of love and peace?
All these question were swirling in my head when she was yelling for a driver, fussing for the dress, waiting for the makeup, fidgeting in the traffic, lost at the venue, smiling at the guests . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . till her fiancé walked in and took her hand, walked her up the stage – in the sparkling aqua theme of the day - and they smiled, at each other and the cameras hereafter . . . .

And then time stopped . . . . or mayb didn't matter any longer. Nothing mattered, and I realized why all this is so worth the while.

I ve known Shikha long enough and well enough to know that it was a very happy and very special moment in her life. And it was very special for me too . . . .

And the wedding's soon too, so there is a lot more to do, lot more to see and hear and shut out . . . but I know I ll be more involved, more helpful (hopefully) and completely sold onto the idea, that with the right person and at the right time, a walk down the aisle or around the fire is just the thing for everybody, including me.

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And there's more, the flights and the rides have been nerve-wracking. Started with a reschedule, to I almost missing it, for nothing as interesting as a lover, nor anything as boring as traffic jam, but that's again a little personal detail, but whatever the cause, the 45 mins to airport were super-edgy, and the ride back to office after I landed in Bangalore was equally adventurous and irritating.

Critical questions - flights full of chatty ppl and noisy kids - is there a way to know that before hand and find a way out? Or can Bangalore find a way sustain little rain showers?
And how do you keep your eyes open at work on a monday after such an exciting weekend, when all I want to do is dream my dream-theme.

Alas, life is not always a joy ride, not till u r up at the alter - its only those few flickering moments. Not much before (and I had a peep into that), nor is there a promise of much after.

Yet, a few powerful moments that change the course of life, forever . . . .

Bored of…

1. Lengthy posts & wordy authors.
2. Repeated controversies - especially about nonexistent yet superhyped Indian morality.
3. Discussions about how life should be lived - endless clamoring of "the practicals" and "the emotionals"
4. Men trying to make conversation before they come to the point, which most often is - "are you single?"
5. Bollywood movies - it's been a horrible year!
6. Family, friends and well wishers trying to get me hooked.
7. Family, friends and well wishers telling me the evils of marriage! (how ironic)
8. Banks / financial institutions claiming to go online, yet no transactional interconnectivity b/w competitors.
9. People forever tweaking their orkut profiles!! (I shd turn the alerts off)
10. Making the effort to think abt this list . . . . .

Penny wise . . . Pound foolish

Even as a little girl, my grandma used to say for me - here is a girl with expensive tastes.
And I have to admit I was always a little fussy and choosy when it came to certain things . . . which could easily have been most of the things, but then when is it easy to recall our own follies. Yet, that was then and as a kid it is really hard to put or recognize a price tag on most things anyway. Mayb I just went for the ones that displayed a much refined taste, and hence were pricier in a world of adults dealing with dimes and dollars . . . paise and rupee oh yes!!!
I don’t have any concrete example to support that anyway. Nor am I going to ask my grandma to recall and quote one either.

As an adult though, it is not a very good trait to have "ruins of" attached to. Oh! yes, it is very much in ruins . . . life does sober down most whacky desires.

But what I call unfair is the fact that even basic and simple things - and not the materialistic ones really - sometimes seem so unattainable . . .

Maybe in a different universe, in a different currency, in a different sensibility, there is a price attached to them too, and I happen to put my hand only on the ones which may befit a lucky queen.

God Said

Not a day of peace. . . and that's what's in store for you in this life, my dear.
.
.
.

And I am living it out.
But I wonder, why did He add "my dear" at the end?

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

As you grow up, and learn, see and live more of life, you begin to appreciate and identify more with the FRIENDS !!!

Oh, cut the crap, it is maybe just a fixation, a phase everybody has to go through at least once in a lifetime, when all you waana do is watch FRIENDS.

And weekends certainly help that cause.

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If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans. WOODY ALLEN

....found that in the month's edition of Reader's.

Full Circle

Writing requires patience, a virtue I have been congenitally deficient in.
Plus there are too many other channels draining out my already meager, and daily depleting reservoirs of patience.

One inevitable side-effect is irregular blogging and loss of concentration.

I am tying alternate therapies, and praying something works. Till then, gotta hang in there and have patience.

Life will come a full circle . . . . someday.

Days of my life

Phir wahi raat hai
Phir wahi raat hai khwaab ki
Ho . . . raat bhar khwaab main, dekhaa karenge tumhe
Phir wahi raat hai . . .

Yesterday, this song wont stop playing in my head . . .
It was like a familiar night . . . same festivities, same places, same people, and the skies were pouring down just the same. Can I be blamed for the nostalgia then?

Just that this time around I had lot less surprises in store. Mayb that's the upside of having being-there-done-that. One is probably better prepared, but another side is that there are always memories (which decide the up and down sides) that come haunting back at every step.

Maasoom si neend main,
Jab koi sapnaa chale
Hum ko bula lena tum, palkon ke parde tale
Ho ye raat hai khwaab ki, khwaab ki raat . . .

Yesterday's were good though, and they usually have been good, coz off late the philosophy has been to live every day to the fullest and as much as possible . . . Now, can anyone blame me for being so dreamy eyed and smiling all the time !!

I know it is easier said than done, I am no expert at it myself. I cry and crib just as much and just as often, but a little effort, no matter how random, to see the better side of things, to remember only that which brings back a smile to the face makes a huge difference in times like these . . . . all the time.

You think my post is inspired by the song, well mayb, it’s a song I sing . . . .

Kaanch ke khwaab hain
Aankhon mein chubh jaayenge
Ho palkon pe lenaa inhe, aankhon main ruk jaayenge
Ho . . . ye raat hai khwaab ki, khwaab ki raat
Phir wahi raat hai