SOS

I need help.This is not right.....this is not the way life is supposed to be.Its too horrible and too tiering. Over the last few years not much has changed with me.JEE and PET has been replaced by GRE and CAT.
IIT has changed to IIM.6 has changed to 9.I still have same fears, yet same hopes and aspirations.So on the whole nothing has changed.
Yet if I analyse further.......maybe as a person i ve changed. i guess "grown" and "evolved" may be better word. Coz the transformations have a reason, a basis. Every little change -for good or for worse- carries a long story behind it. And am i happy the way i am today? LOL! the biggest problem with me has been that i ve never been dissatisfied with myself. I am content as a person. I know I am a whole lot better than a thousand others. WOW! I never carry regrets.
So then what is it troubling u?????
I am impatient.....too impatient.I find it hard to wait and hard to concentrate.
The DBMS is eating me out today. I dont want to study right now. I just dont feel like.Yet i have to....coz one crazy teacher want me to do unnecesry labour. What the heck! and I cant even say no. Y? coz hes in my college, he knows my parents....and i cant afford to anger him! hell! I dont want to top my class.......my priorities are different. My goal from academics is different. Yet everybody else around me expects me to do it.....n i cant even scream it out.Y? coz these ppl r my parents and teachers.
Too common a story u may say......but then what has ever been uncommon in my life.Evertthing that can possibly go wrong does go wrong with me. Bad luck? No this is worse than that. This is lucklessness.or whtever!
And there I am a big idiot....who pins lots of hopes on tomorrow. WOW! and know what.....tomorrow never comes. Years ago when at school, i had imagined that when i get to college, my life will improve.And look at me today? What changes have come about? NONE!
And today i think when i complete my graduation ....my life will change.Sometimes i really doubt if it will after all.
They say God has His plans.......what is in there for me??

There is only one thing i want and year for.......and that is to be condidered responsible. i want to be responsible for myself. i do not want ppl telling me every now and then what to do and what not to do. For god's sake i am old enough to differentiate all that. And lo what a hypocate u r! When it comes to dressing up.....u r grown up. When it comes to work around....u r grown up. When it comes to family gossips....u r grwon up. When it comes to talks abt marriage.....u r grown up. But when it comes to I taking a decision for myself.......U R A KID! When it comes to doing things my way......U R A KID!
And i am supposed to survive all this.Oh yes!I am surviving it after all.
Remember the story about Birbal......where a man stands in cold waters of river all night.When asked how he managed to do it ....he says the light from a distant lamp gave him the warmth (read hope of warmth) all night.Similar is the case with me......i am bearing it all and my lamp is the thought of a better tomorrow.
Feel like screaming out right now! Y should i bear all this nonsese philosoply? Why ? Y cant i just revolt? Y cant i break free?
But as usual reason wins back over passion, and my head tells my heart that its just not possible. U r stuck. And u ll have to bear it out till u complete your graduation. So the poor heart with all its flames burning bright...goes back inside the barkness of body...famming its flames slowly so that they keep burning and yet in a controlled manner so that they do not blow out of proportion....waiting fow the dawn...when the sun will finally rise and i ll get a chance to step out of these cold waters onto warmer land and bright sunshine.