I MISS MY JOURNAL

I miss my journal.The paper and pen thing. Sure it was so much more romantic. But this blog isnt a bad substitute either. But the only thing is it takes longer to type and one doesn't get as much satisfaction probably other ppl do, but a romantic like me doesnt..... besides I ve kept a journal for so long..........nearly 4 + years.....and the time for which I ve had this blog is nothing compared to that.
Talking of time..... I wonder haw important the time factor is in our lives. So many things change and present a completely different view with time. Nothing else change, only time, and it seems a whole new world. And they say time is the biggest healer................
I dont know whether it dose have any healing quality after all. Its probably that when a lot of time passes by, other things become more important and the thing which used to matter which used to hurt gets to the bottom of a stack of thoughts, and probably that is why it hurts so much lesser. Something like the "Princess and the Pea". The more the number of mattresses you pile up, the lesser will be the sensation of the pea's existence. Lo.... and am not a real princess.........the pea doesnt hurt me as much as it used to....but them to survive today one had to be as less princely as possible. They call being PRACTICAL.
Funny word it is........sometimes it means selfish, sometimes heartless, sometimes hurtful. And yet we take the guise of this word.......and go on with ur lives coz human as we r ur first instinct is to try and survive. All the philanthropy takes a back seat. And it has to.
Ayn Rand defines "selfish"in a completely different way.......but wht am talking here is the conventional meaning. Her selfish is the idealist ..... am not yet Ayn Rand. Though her writing appeal a lot to me.
So much so for time, and self and Ms.Rand.
Love comes next. Waiting as I am for it, my belief in it will never be weakened. Probably the last two years were the worst in undermining the faith in love..............but this yr has been a turning point. I do believe in start, and destiny and astrology and numerology. I ve seen my life change......and there has to be some celestial power around to bring about such sudden and unexpected changes. Whatever, love is an essential part of life, and for me it will always be.
Friendship...........now this is tricky. Ideally friends r grt nd its grt to have them around. The only thing that the happenings in my friend circle havent been exactly ideal or lovable. I ve had some troubles lately, which seem to be clearing up.
I feel as if an animal which had previously survived on land was suddenly pushed into water. For land the animal thought this is temporary and I ll go back to land. But when for a long time it didnt happen, the animal lost all hope of coming back to land. It had started acclimatizing itself to the water.........trying to breath and remain happy in there. It had also maid new friends under water.............and was beginning to feel happy in its new settings.................when suddenly it was pulled back onto land. The animal is now in a dilemma.............will it again enjoy land as much as it used to? What abt those new underwater friends..........will it be possible to keep the relationship with them intact? Was the decision of coming back to land a sensible one at all????
I dont know......and I am seeking answers. Am cautious............I have to be ..............my last experiences werent exactly very amiable.
But the truth is that I dont have a friend to whom I can speak my heart out. Not everything to one person. I feel bottled up........there a some parts of me which have not found release for a long time..........and I somehow cant bring myself to trust anybody to uncork this bottle for. Even more will they like to listen to it if I say. Am deep into self doubt once again. And it reflects on my work too , studies arent exactly wht they used to be. Am in a transit.......and this CAT prep time isnt exactly the time for a transit........ not at all for an emotional (fool ) like me..........but wht can one do. Life takes its own course. It somehow never seems to synchronize with ur plans. NEVER.
I wish I cld say this out aloud to someone..........thx god I write, or I might have bursted out like a pressure cooker long ago.
And this is when I feel the need of a friend the most..............how ironic!
Rest allz going grt....home, college, etc.
Chalo life mein kuch to theek hai. And I hope in future I ll again be able to make it all alright. Let me not forget Scarlett O'Hara.......I believe I can be happy and I will be happy once I take the reins of my life into my hands. This wht they all say.....all my mentors these strange characters in these books.
Sometimes I really wish they were live ppl, whom I cld talk to or go to for advise. I wish they had existed in my world............
And then a naughty thought pops up in my mind............Scarlett nahin to Rhett to ho!!!
Lo......can u believe tht. But its natural for a girl my age to feel such a longing for love. And y shdnt I ? Well lets just drop it here..........its too complicated a territory to tread into.
Am I being an escapist? Probably. Probably not.
And it all comes back to time........only time will tell where love is. Let me just wait and be patient. Oh if only it had been as easy to do it as I say it now.
But it hadnt been so till a few days ago. Chiefly coz my lifes just been turned over recently do all these troubling thoughts come rushing back to my mind. Its like a churning process. It takes a looooong to time to clam the sea of thoughts in my head, and then one fickle of event comes from somewhere and upheavals it all . And once again I restart the cycle of clearing and pacifying myself. I try so hard to be at peace with myself..............and I am trying again. And I ll try again nd again, each time it will be disrupted..........coz nothing matters more than this silly head of mine. I cant expect to be lovable till I love myself, and I cant expect to receive till I learn to give.
Academics may end after a while but life is an ever learning and unlearning process. One keeps growing as long as one lives. I ve grown a lot in 20 yrs.................and still there way to go.
I cant say my lifes been exceptional and full of wired events. Look around u, every man is a different and interesting story. Only we know so little abt them.
Lets just say life is a QUEST..............a never ending quest.