IN CONTROL

Confidence comes by being in control. And now I know y sometimes I feel so insecure and vulnerable. I feel I have no powers over my life. None right now. Everything right now is either an aftereffect of something, or has been planned or gifted by someone else. I am unable to do the only things I want to do. and so I feel out of control.....
Is there a way to get things back in perspective. NO! None right now. The very existence in this period is not something I want. Its not that I didn’t try, but it didn’t work out. Whatever I may do I cannot bring myself to think that this is good enough. Because everyday, every moment screams out loud..................."YOU DESERVE BETTER". Main kya karoon..........
I want to break free.... and I know I cant so soon. I never knew I cloud have so much patience. I am discovering new dimensions of myself. A very patient and enduring person....I cant believe its me. How am I living? Why am I living? Am I living at all?
Maybe I am............ in hope of tomorrow. In my dreams of a better future. That’s only how I live. When I think of my future, that’s only when I am happy. Because maybe tomorrow I will be able to gain control of my life. Maybe tomorrow I will carve out a life for myself that which I want. Then I will live. And I shall know why and for what I am alive. The most frustrating thing is not knowing a reason to do things. Till date things whose reasons haven’t been told to me…… pinch me (I wasn’t allowed to go to dandiya…….I don’t know y????). There are many more things ………… but no use counting them here .
But I hope someday I find the answers.
A 9 to 5 existence wont bother me , if I get a job I like. And please, I don’t seek to be a great CEO form day one, I can start from scratch, but it has to be what I want to do. It has to interest me…….programming is not a boring job at all!!!!